


Problem With Probing

by FFlove190



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Alien Abduction, Anal, Consentacles, Drunk Sex, I promise, M/M, Modern AU, Oral, PWP, Porn Without Plot, Tentacle Sex, alien probe, the abduction is only temporary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-15 22:59:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12330564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FFlove190/pseuds/FFlove190
Summary: Very professional human probing session with no problems what-so-ever.





	Problem With Probing

Zack giggled again. The sky was clear, his heart was full, and his head full of clouds: one Cloud in particular. That Cloud that was cute as a button and the best boyfriend ever - and the Cloud who had brought over this shiny new telescope.

 

It was a sign! Just like the clear skies, Cloud’s pretty blue eyes, and the stars twinkling like they just knew. A full blown, miracle made, sparkling sign!

 

Cloud was ready to move in. Zack hiccuped a laugh and looked back into the lens. He didn’t know a damn thing about the stars or the skies or like anything about space at all, but he would learn for his adorable nerdy boyfriend. Because Cloud had brought his telescope - his most prized possession - and put it on Zack’s porch like a declaration of their love. Like a promise.

 

Zack drank more beer, already heady with the thought. 

 

Sure, Cloud hadn’t stayed the night, but he hadn’t needed to. Cloud had work in the morning and left Zack to his celebrating and equally drunk friends. And when those friends had been taken home, Zack kept drinking. He was all sorts of light and fluffy; floaty really. 

 

Zack closed his eyes and thought of Cloudy, thought of the sky, and thought of how adorable Cloud was going to be staring into the stars right here, on this porch. In his pajamas, telling Zack all of these adorable nerdy things about space. 

 

Zack was dizzy, he was high on love: this was the start of something new. 

 

[...]

 

Sephiroth started another scan. It was with the utmost accuracy and attention to detail that he checked and rechecked the data. Humans that were away from the herd were ideal: humans whose sudden and brief disappearance wouldn’t be noticed. Just one subject for study, all he needed was one - 

 

An alarm blared when Sephiroth moved too fast. Sephiroth pulled his tense limbs from the controls with difficultly; he was trembling with excitement. 

 

Sephiroth took a breath. Today was the most exciting day of his career: more exciting than the day he became an Observation Officer, more exciting than the day he selected the milky galaxy for his tour, more exciting than the day he was allowed to elect humans as his observation species. Today was his first probe. 

 

He needed to relax, to sharpen his focus, to have precision and patience. Yes… determined, he continued the scan. 

 

Of course, Sephiroth had  _ seen _ probes before: watched, noted, and recorded avidly. He had also read the manual for human interaction three times. He had even reread several subsections with a thoroughness that made his superiors - Genesis and Angeal - look impressed. But it was one of the primary duties of an Interspecies Observation Officer to examine all flagged intelligent and native life. It was more than simply watching from afar. It included knowing how to interact in a controlled environment with the species in question: the probe. 

 

It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that Sephiroth loved the Earthers. 

 

Their entire planet was brimming with life big and small, peaceful and violent, complex but simple. Humans in particular were Sephiroth’s favorite. Their bipedal form was pleasing to the eye, and their bodily requirements appeared similar to Jenovians (closer inspection revealed this to be completely false but it was nice to pretent), and most of all the subtle nuances in their bodily differences. 

 

Of all the observation sectors with complex life (the boring limbless zoloms on Midgar, the fire cats of the Fallen Star, etcetera etcetera), the humans were the closest any of them came to Jenovian form. 

 

Of course, human culture wasn’t quite as intelligent and unified as Jenovian: humans didn’t have a universal language, lacked the knowledge to traverse in space for extended periods of time, and lived their lives unaware of their bodily connection to the Earth’s core. The way they existed was simply strange in a fascinating way. 

 

Sephiroth wanted to know so much more about humans, wanted to understand them and their weird ways. That was why he had come to this side of the universe. 

 

Sephiroth refocused and looked through the scanners again. He observed the layout of the landscape, the human buildings and land grooming, and took note of human life signs and brain states in the area. As he scanned, Sephiroth made sure the ship didn’t drift outside the pick up zone for Angeal’s ‘night life’ recon, and the drop off zone for Genesis’s private probe. Normally being left behind and not being able to record Genesis would have irritated Sephiroth.

 

But tonight he got to do more than look and record. 

 

Tonight, he got to  _ probe _ . No more waiting, no more mere watching, no more sifting through the jumble of signals that the humans called the internet: no longer was he just another trainee, he was going to be one of the foremost masters in in understanding humans. So that one day, Jenovians could properly  _ communicate _ with them in true interspecies dialogue. 

 

The thought echoed in his mind when he found a candidate. 

 

The human was outside and alone - there were no heat signatures in the attached building, the creatures in the surrounding buildings had sleeping brainwaves. The human was awake, but its brainwaves indicated that it was preparing to sleep. The ideal state to observe a human. 

 

Sephiroth felt the excitement tingle along his webs and through his lungs. The energy was making him shake, felt like losing control of his human-like shape. Yes, it wasn’t an ideal human shape - it wasn’t the right color, he still had his second skin torso webbing, and his wings, and tentacles, and still a bit too tall compared to human average - but it was as human as he could get right now. And he wanted to remain in that form, a form that reminded him to have control and precision: because tonight he was going to probe. 

 

Sephiroth breathed and drew into himself until his body was solid again. Satisfied and in control, he went through the probe preparation checklist. Protection: a barrier materia equipped and emitting a low electromagnetic signal that would disrupt any human-to-Jenovian cell resonance. Check. Bed: the probing bed with straps was waiting. Check. Drugs: the ideal tool for quelling human distress, a full cannister was currently next to Sephiroth’s elbow. Check. Everything was in order. 

 

Sephiroth started the acquisition protocol. The transport beam flickered once, and twice. The human floated up and into the ship. 

 

And just like that, a human was standing in front of Sephiroth. 

 

Standing, on both feet. Yes. Right. Sephiroth should have put the table there like Genesis usually did - that way he could have used the beaming station to put the human directly on the table. And then drugs could be administered before the paralysis wore off - before the usual human sounds of distress and noise making that accompanied alien encounters. 

 

But Sephiroth couldn’t bring himself to move: he knew he had to fetch the table, administer the drugs, and begin the procedure. But, the human drew his eyes and was impossible to look away from. So Sephiroth stayed. 

 

The human was a nice brown. Its skin seemed like the earth itself, rich in nutrients and boasting life. Sephiroth had always liked the limited range of human colors, they were muted and reflected the land of their planet so beautifully. The earth and clay of their skin and hair, and the range of water, fauna, and flora that could be reflected in their eyes.

 

This human’s eyes were particularly striking. The gradient of the iris looked like purple space dust. It made Sephiroth think, for a moment, that the human didn’t belong on Earth - that it belonged on the fringes of space. Human eyes, Sephiroth knew, didn’t usually have such a color. Perhaps it was simply rare and they had never come across it before; he would have to make a note of it. 

 

The human blinked.

 

Sephiroth startled. Out of his hands fell the drug imbibing tools, meeting the floor with a clatter.

 

The human looked down at the tube, blinked, and then looked up at Sephiroth. It didn’t seem to comprehend, so it looked Sephiroth up and down and up again. Then it tilted its head. The gesture that likely implied something in human interaction, but Sephiroth was unfamiliar with. 

 

This situation was unusual. This human wasn’t showing a fear response - the screens in the background showed no drastic change in heart rate or brain activity. It was just standing there, looking. Almost as if it was  _ curious _ . 

 

“Have I...been abducted?” Sephiroth had never heard a human voice in person before. It had so many tones and harmonies - it made Sephiroth’s core resonate. It was as if something inside him had been unsettled and he never noticed, like the tepid waters in a shaken cup that had finally stilled. It was all Sephiroth could do to remain upright. 

 

Was this what it was like to talk to humans?

 

“Yes.” The handbook said to reply to humans openly and honestly should they ask any questions. And also not to read their minds to get answers to your questions. It was the sort of mistake a  _ child _ would make when learning the ways of the world - it was rude, and wrong, but always tempting. Thankfully the barrier kept Sephiroth from reaching out. 

 

“Really! Woah! No way! You -? What!” The human blinked and leaned forward. Close enough to break probing protocol; but Sephiroth was protected and they were unlikely to contaminate each other. “Then you’re like an alien?” 

 

“To your planet, yes.” Sephiroth didn’t step back, but his webbing was reacting, he could feel it stretching and reaching for the human. 

 

The human’s scent was… strange. Sephiroth had never been so close to a human, never had the chance to smell one without the muting pane of protecting glass between them. Its scent was fascinating - an almost chemical smell from the mouth, the Earthen-fruit in it’s hair, and a curious odor that Sephiroth couldn’t quite identify. It was all Sephiroth could do from mutating his nasal glands and brain functions to properly categorize everything.

 

“This is - This is like, real and everything, right?” The human swayed back and forth. “Because I’m not gunna lie I had a  _ lot _ to drink tonight. And my boyfriend came by with his telescope and told me all about his alien probing porn collection - which is really hot, by the way, but yanno he left because he had work. Pffbbt.” Sephiroth couldn’t decide if the noise or the motion of the human’s lips when air passed through them was more interesting. “So I’m like a bajillionty-nine percent sure that this is a dream and I’m so down for that. And, uh...” The human made a face gesture Sephiroth could only classify as a frown. “Are we like on a boat?” 

 

Confusion, a normal response to a sudden and temporary abduction, was anticipated. Sephiroth had prepared a multitude of responses to any questions a human might have - and he was going to get to use one! Sephiroth hoped his first human would be suitably impressed. “You are on the Jenovian Observation Craft J-07-77x.” 

 

The human blinked, and then it’s eyes widened. “What? You mean, like, we’re on a lucky triple seven spaceship?! Holy shit! I didn’t even wear my lucky socks!” 

 

And then the human reached forward and up and  _ touched  _ Sephiroth. Sephiroth had military trained reflexes and he could have dodged - the report would read: bodily lunged after - but he was more interested than wary. This human was fascinatingly docile. 

 

When the fingers touched the curve of Sephiroth’s exposed webbing it was like a spark had been lit inside of him. 

 

“I’m…” Sephiroth tried to quell the sensation, to focus on the anomaly in his bodily structure that felt like he was melting and relaxing every muscle in his body. This was a definite breach of protocol; he hadn’t realized that humans were hazardous to touch even  _ with _ protection. The handbook hadn’t mentioned anything about this. “I’m not sure what that means.” 

 

“And you’re an alien?” The human was even closer, eyes half-lidded and inspecting. “You’re so… this part is all hard like coral. But underneath and everywhere else is blue. And you hair is…” a hand went through it. “It’s like water. Silver water. Woah. Soft.” 

 

The purpose of a probe was for Jenovians to learn about humans,  _ not _ for humans to stare in wonder and curiosity and at Jenovians.  That this human was the first docile one Sephiroth had heard of recorded - not afraid and in fact eager and curious - was making it hard for him to think.

 

“I have brought you here to be probed.” Sephiroth said. Even as he said it, Sephiroth could feel everything in his body reshaping and reacting without his consent - it wanted to wrap around the human and hold it close. Sephiroth was regretting letting the human touch him, regretting not strapping the human down, and regretting not plying it with drugs. But he was so  _ curious  _ about this human. 

 

The human paused, and then looked at Sephiroth. “Wait. You’re saying… I thought that was all urban legend. Yanno, crazy corn starch - no, cornfield signs stuff. And the sims, that too.” The human’s scrutiny shifted away from Sephiroth - for that his wings uncoiled slightly - to the machines in the center of the chamber. Then the human looked back up to Sephiroth, with a smile. That smile that looked so feral and so eager and made Sephiroth’s cells vibrate. He could feel his body trying to reform, trying to merge with the human. “You know, abducted. Anal probing.” Human fingers waved. “It’s like a bad porno, yanno?” 

 

Apparently having said its piece, the human stepped away and dazedly explored the room. It wobbled and almost fell over once or twice and leaned heavily on the equipment. Sephiroth forced himself to relax as he left the human wander; the distance let himself think clearly again.

 

Perhaps the transmission particles interacted with the telescope lenses and rendered the human in this state of placid confusion. Or perhaps this human was defective - it’s walking gait wasn’t an earth standard; then again, Sephiroth hadn’t yet had an opportunity to observe humans on moving vessels, perhaps this was just normal for a human in an aircraft. Perhaps this human was already medicated with some strange earth substance? There were many potential conclusions, but Sephiroth didn’t have enough data to confirm or deny any of them.

 

“I am not sure what you mean.” Sephiroth finally offered the curious creature a verbal response. Most of the things it spoke were no better than gibberish. The equipment was dutifully recording so Sephiroth could analyze it later. 

 

Sephiroth let the human poke around. Inferior human strength would ensure that nothing was broken; it was impossible a human would be able to damage anything in the room. Now that his webbing had the space to breath properly, Sephiroth picked up the fallen drug administration cannister. Just in case. 

 

Not that the sensation of being next to the human had been painful. It had been like a natural shift: painless and fascinating and strange. It had also been incredibly distracting: who could conduct a probe while mid-shape? Sephiroth didn’t want his first probe to be a series of mistakes...well, a series of any more mistakes - 

 

There was a screech. The tone made Sephiroth feel shapeless for a moment - a metal scrape that made him reshape his sound wave processing functions - and he whirled. 

 

The human looked up from the toppled probe unit. It’s eyes were no longer lidded - open wide in a manner that indicated fear - and it’s shoulders bunched high. “Uh, I can, uh, pay for that.” 

 

This was an expression Sephiroth was more familiar with on a human. But he didn’t like the way it looked on this human. Just moments ago it had been so docile and relaxed. Sephiroth wanted to right that; he didn’t want to use the drugs if he didn’t have to. 

 

“Have no fear, human,” Sephiroth moved close enough to wrap a few tentacles around the unit. Once it was righted and moved away from the human, Sephiroth spared a moment to wonder  _ how _ the human had knocked it over: he would definitely be reviewing the recordings thoroughly later. “This unit is designed to handle sudden shifts in gravity; it can withstand a fall in Earth standard.” 

 

“Holy damn,” the human’s voice was suddenly very breathy. Worryingly so. “You have tenta-a-clues.” The human grabbed for one that Sephiroth had been too slow in retracting. The touch was like the electricity of a planet core: all tingles straight to Sephiroth’s center. How could it feel even stronger than the first touch? The human hadn’t noticed Sephiroth’s distress (or perhaps it couldn’t recognize the emotion?) lost its panicked look and was staring at Sephiroth with open curiosity.. “Are you all tentibles? How did I not notice?” 

 

“N-no, I-” Sephiroth struggled against the pull and slithered his tentacle free; his cells stopped vibrating long enough so he could retract it fully. . “I can generate them as required.” 

 

“Shape shifting!!” The human made a strange noise in the back of his throat that was high pitched and almost gasping. Sephiroth didn’t know how to categorize it. “That’s neat! Do you have a name Mr. Shape Shifter?” 

 

The human was trying to reach for Sephiroth again, and Sephiroth could have allowed it - wanted to allow it - but this was a probe. This was his job, as an observation officer, to probe humans. Not to feel weird things when humans touched him. This was his first official interaction with a human - with paperwork, recordings, and everything in order. Just because Genesis and Angeal weren’t watching over his shoulder didn’t mean that he was going to throw protocol to the wind to converse, to touch, to explore with a human. Of course not. 

 

“Human, would you please take position on that table?” Sephiroth took a step back, putting some much needed space between him and the human. 

 

“Human?” The human made a laughing noise, complete with the facial gestures; Sephiroth couldn’t identify what triggered it. “Wow. I can’t believe you… I guess that… Pff, I’ve never actually been called that like all seriously… Human, beep boop. Yanno?” The human laughed more. It was a motion that Sephiroth found fascinating - a thing that Genesis and Angeal had mimicked nearly to perfection - and the sound was pleasing in all its strangeness. Then the human shook its head. “I have a name, you know.” 

 

Sephiroth blinked at that. “I will be referring to you as Subject -”

 

“Zack Fair!” The human thumped a fist loudly on its chest, and then promptly wavered with outstretched arms before it righted itself to the wobbling state Sephiroth considered its normal. 

 

“Bless you.” Sephiroth replied, uncertain of what else to say. “I believe that is what you're strain of human language says when one makes a strange noise.” 

 

“No! That’s my name.” The human - self-identified as Zack Fair (a strange name and completely at odds with both subject naming convention and standard Jenovian naming practices. Fascinating) - moved closer to Sephiroth again. “What’s  _ your _ name.” There was a lilt in the human’s voice that made Sephiroth wary, he couldn’t identify what it meant. 

 

“The Sephiroth.” Was all he offered. It was the closest thing that any of their human tongues could handle - it was an interesting sound but not his true name. Merely a translation. 

 

“Sephiroth.” The Zack said his name like the way Genesis tasted new human words. Slowly and with an air of caution. “Sephiroth. Sephiroth!” the Zack laughed again. “That’s a great name! Super fun to say!” The Zack spun once, and then twice, and then stumbled to the table with a sound of human discomfort that Sephiroth was familiar with. 

 

“Are you ill?” Sephiroth inquired. Human bile was a particularly interesting substance - it was currently theorized that humans did not like excessing digestive juices through their mouths. Strange considering other species on their planet Earth did so without issue. 

 

“No, I,” The Zack put a hand over its mouth. “Drank too much. Spun too much. Do you have anything to drink? Wait, aliens. Do aliens drink water? Do you have like alien soda?” 

 

“We have Earth water suitable for human consumption,” Sephiroth promised. Though why the human would feel ill from drinking too much and request more to drink was puzzling. 

 

“Sweet.” The Zack smiled again, teeth on full display, looking like an untrained, wild animal. “Can I have some?” 

 

Sephiroth prepared a human intake unit with Earth water and held it out to the human - the Zack, Sephiroth corrected. 

 

The Zack laughed again and took the unit and didn’t appear to notice the way Sephiroth’s cells reacted with their limbs touched. “Heh. Alien cup.” Then the Zack ingested the water. 

 

Sephiroth had witnessed humans ingesting fluids - usually it was a messy process, flat on the table with tubes in their mouths - but this was something different. The Zack drank of his own volition, his opening practically suckling on the container. Water spilled from it’s lips, down it’s chin, glistening like it a freshly spawned, debauched tentacle. 

 

Sephiroth felt his body contract with arousal. How unprofessional. This was  _ not _ how his first probing was supposed to go. 

 

“The Zack, please take position on the table.” Sephiroth focused on stabilizing his insides and attached another barrier materia. Just in case. 

 

“ _ The _ Zack.” The Zack laughed and carefully climbed onto the table. Sephiroth had witnessed similar motions in the atmospheric viewfinders during sunlight hours. Usually the smaller humans enacted this motion - clumsy and uncoordinated - when interacting with equipment created for larger humans. Was the table too large for humans to position properly on? Sephiroth had never considered this possibility, had never seen a human take position on it themselves. “Saying it like I’m the only Zack. Are you  _ the _ Sephiroth?” 

 

“Yes?” Sephiroth didn’t understand the question. “I am the only Jenovian with such an identification. Is my identification common among humans?” 

 

“I dunno.” The Zack made a motion with it’s shoulders. “Never heard of anyone named Sephiroth before. But I’ve never met an alien before today.” 

 

The Zack didn’t say anything else, simply swung its legs and watched Sephiroth bring the probing unit closer. Sephiroth wondered if drugs would be necessary during the probing procedure, no matter how placid the Zack appeared. It was swinging its legs as if it intended to attack Sephiroth when he got too close.

 

Sephiroth prepared the equipment as the Zack watched him, “Soooooo. I’m not that sober and all, but I’m like super curious. What exactly you gunna do?” 

 

Sephiroth paused. The human interaction handbook specified a ‘vague honesty’ with humans - clear and concise enough to alleviate fear, but not too much detail. It was all very procedural, very controlled - inserting a monitoring chip that would degrade in the digestive tract, probing human orifices, collecting bodily discharges. 

 

But, somehow, conducting a simple probe seemed very dangerous. Especially with this human. Even with a barrier between him and The Zack, Sephiroth was suddenly very worried about conducting the probe on any level. They had touched but twice; what would happen when Sephiroth set about conducting the procedure - which involved a large quantity of professional touch? “I will… probe you.” 

 

The Zack made a strange face. “Is this the part where I get naked?” 

 

‘Get naked.’ Sephiroth tried to remember what that might mean and decided that if nothing else went appropriately in this session they would learn more about human behavior. In the English language ‘get’ usually implied receiving something, what the Zack thought it would receive Sephiroth wasn’t sure. - it get naked was this human language’s synonym for ‘recieve a probe’ then it seemed accurate. So he simply said, “Yes.” 

 

The Zack smiled again. While the human smile always reminded Sephiroth of a wild animal, barely contained and preparing to rip out one of his hearts, this particular smile seemed even more predatory than that - like a promise to act like the apex predator humans were. Sephiroth couldn’t describe what about it was so different, and why he was so certain that it was. The nuances of human faces were difficult to interpret. 

 

Then the Zack moved. Its hands removed standard human armor: the one on its chest. It fell with a ‘fwump’ to the chamber floor.

 

Sephiroth had seen humans without armor before, but it was always startling. Jenovians had yet to be able to fully identify the reproductive role a human had - females carried the eggs and had live births, males had a small tentacle between their legs. The fluids males projected contained small, active cells, yet Jenovians hadn’t been able to properly identify what these cells did and how they interacted with a female. 

 

Sephiroth stared at The Zack’s nipples, the way they were slightly off colored from the rest of its skin, the shape of its muscles clear and distinct with hair follicles betwixt them. The Zack continued removing its armor, heedless of the inspection. Off went the foot armor, the leg armor, the reproductive gland armor. 

 

As the Zack unequipped, Sephiroth became more aware of the scent - that scent he hadn’t been able to identify before. It emanated from the Zack’s lubricating reproductive glands - from the long tube between its bipedal legs at the bottom of its torso. The Zack was male, then. 

 

Sephiroth had seen male humans before, just as he had seen female humans. But he had never  _ smelled _ them. Sephiroth had always stood behind the protective screens and simply watched probes. But being so close, being able to smell, to hear - it was all so different. 

 

Sephiroth also wasn’t entirely sure why the Zack had unequipped. Wait, perhaps  _ that _ was what ‘get naked’ meant. Sephiroth would have to make sure to note that. 

 

The Zack’s was staring at Sephiroth; its reproductive organ was moving, lengthening and straightening. 

 

“You are leaking,” Sephiroth noted, uncertain what to make of the Zack’s reproductive organ moving. It was fascinating, but strange. 

 

The Zack leaned backward on the table and spread its limbs, exposing the reproductive organ to Sephiroth. “Excited for a probe.” 

 

Sephiroth stepped closer - despite the awareness that this was being recorded and he was conducting a professional probe - tantalized by the strange odor. Was this part of a human mating ritual? Why was the Zack engaging in this? Did the term probe imply mating to humans? Had they mistranslated?  “What do you believe will happen during the procedure?” 

 

“What else?” The Zack leaned back further on the table until it held itself aloft by only its elbows. “Stick some tentacles right up in…” Hip bones re-angled - Sephiroth imagined the anatomy of the human skeleton in his mind, recreating the curve of the spine and naming the known bones as he went - until the dark orifice under the male reproductive organ was revealed. “Here.” 

 

“That is where you release excrement from.” Sephiroth pointed out. It was connected to the digestive tract on both male and female humans - how it could be related to a human mating ritual was beyond Sephiroth. Many smaller species on Earth had one hole for reproduction, urination, and excrement - but humans had three. And while it was true that various instruments would be engaging that particular human orifice to gather samples, research had determined that these apparatuses did not trigger a sexual response in humans. 

 

The Zack laughed again. “Am I your first probe or something?” 

 

Sephiroth froze, feeling his webbing expand like a shield. “Is it obvious?” 

 

The Zack looked up at him and then made a motion with its hands. “Wow. A virgin, geez. Not often you get to pop an alien’s cherry huh.” 

 

Sephiroth wasn’t sure what that string of words meant so he simply waited. 

 

The Zack righted itself again, and leaned forward - reaching for Sephiroth. “Okay, so. You know, we human dudes have, like, happy spots in our poop chutes.” 

 

Sephiroth was aware that ‘poop’ was one of many human terms for excrement. Therefore, a poop chute was the excrement orifice. Sephiroth concluded that the most important part of the statement to clarify was, “Happy spot?” 

 

The Zack wiggled forward. “The prostate.” Sephiroth rapidly searched his memory banks, but the name was unfamiliar. “When you press it, I get all sorts of happy.” The Zack gestured to its reproductive organ. 

 

So it  _ was _ related to a human mating ritual. Strange that there was no data on such a thing. 

 

Why did The Zack assume that probing would be similar to a human mating ritual? Yes, it would involve interaction with the reproductive organs, but it would not be for the intent to mate. So what was it that the Zack wanted? 

 

Sephiroth suddenly realized he had stepped closer; he could feel that uncontrollable energy trying to seep past the barrier, into his skin, down to his core. Instead he focused on his curiosity. The curiosity that wasn’t driven by a desire to engage the Zack’s reproductive organs in any way but a professional, probing manner. “With what means do you assume I shall reach it, the Zack?” 

 

The Zack looked at him. Its eyes looked at Sephiroth from hair to toes, and hair again. “With those tentacles of yours.” 

 

Sephiroth was aware of the noise he made, aware of his body reacting in accord, and realized that he wasn’t going to survive this tour before being court martialed for engaging in coitus with a human. But Sephiroth had never wanted to mate with a collection of cells any more than this moment. The fact that it was a human - a strange, wonderful, breathtakingly weird  _ creature  _ \- was just an added benefit. 

 

Sephiroth knew what he was thinking, what he wanted. He knew that it was illogical, unprofessional, and could get him permanently stationed on the marsh planet observing zoloms. But he didn’t care. He removed the protection materia and set it on the probing table and approached the Zack, careful to keep his form as human as possible. 

 

The Zack looked him up and down again and smiled, all teeth. Sephiroth knew his webbing had unfurled into a new set of wings designed to hold and cradle, could feel his arousal popping out from his skin. 

 

Sephiroth approached the Zack, ready to touch, to mate, to claim. Sephiroth stood at the end of the table, and the Zack looking up at him with its body presented. It smiled. Sephiroth knew that humans liked smiling with the intent to receive a smile back, but Sephiroth didn’t know how to do that - so he just kept staring down at his probe subject. 

 

Sephiroth wasn't sure what to do first. The handbook of human interaction didn't say anything about how to engage in Intercourse with one (shocking, considering that contaminating a human sample was a martial offense). So he stood there, looking down, thinking of all the things he  _ might  _ do and then all the things a human body  _ could  _ do, what a human mating ritual might look like compared to a probe, and what - 

 

The Zack made a noise and reached for a tentacle. Sephiroth shuddered. Human grips were composed of callouses that came from introducing the skin to repeated wear and tear, and wrinkled textures for better gripping. Sephiroth had only considered this information analytically, not in the context of how it might feel on a vestige of arousal. The body temperature of a human - warmer than a Jenovian - was pleasant, and the feeling of soft pads and callouses and hair follicles made Sephiroth squirm. 

 

The Zack pulled Sephiroth closer, until Sephiroth’s tentacles - arousal based and otherwise - had nowhere to go but the human's body. They touched everything - limbs, torso, hair, face, reproductive organs - wrapping around small things and petting the different textures of the human body. 

 

Sephiroth leaned over the Zack as human hands ran across his unfurled webbing that caged it in - a strange place to touch but the sheer curiosity in the action sent a shudder across Sephiroth's limbs. 

 

“Oh god, I want you in me.” The Zack made a throaty noise, one that Sephiroth could feel in its throat, rumbling in its chest. It seemed like a good sound, all of these reactions seemed like good reactions. Theoretically. There was the increased heart rate, thrumming along the Zack’s veins,  the wet and frantic breathing that left saliva coating its lips, and the undulations that looked almost like it wanted to escape. All of these details seemed like they should be worrying, but the expression on the Zack’s face made Sephiroth think he didn’t need to worry about them at all. 

 

“Where?” Sephiroth could feel himself losing control, his voice becoming many as he tried to split. “Show me, the Zack.”

 

The Zack grabbed the tentacle around its reproductive organs with a particularly pleasing noise and pressed it at the excrement orifice. Which was, Sephiroth noted, particularly dry. Humans had always appeared to be self lubricating creatures when it came to their reproductive organs - apparently that was not true of this end. 

 

Sephiroth focused on the sensation of the Zack’s lubrication: slick, sticky, and viscous. His tentacle shuddered as he reformed the end, oozing proper lubrication. Sephiroth pressed it forward - when he met resistance he narrowed its size, pressing in and in. 

 

“Oh fuck, is this making you hot? This is so hot. Fuck.” The Zack’s claws went after anything in reach - vicious and unforgiving, out of control. Sephiroth was alarmed at the reaction: the chamber’s climate hadn’t changed at all, but a quick glance at the monitors shows that the Zack’s internal temperature had increased. In fact the human was sweating. Sephiroth tried to pull away, but those claws dug into his human-like shoulders and pulled him back. “More. More!”

 

Apparently there was nothing to worry about after all. 

 

Sephiroth refocused and slowly expanded his tentacle - the diameter, the length - searching for the rumored prostate in the Zack’s excrement orifice. Had he already found it? Sephiroth wasn’t sure. The texture of the Zack’s inner walls distracted him and he felt around them - growing little exploratory hairs to feel the ridges, trying to keep himself focused despite the tantalizing heat. The Zack was right, this  _ was _ hot. Pleasantly so. 

 

Sephiroth ran a hand down the human’s chest, enjoying the way it felt differently on his fingers than his tentacles. The analytical part of him noted that he probably shifted the cells on his fingers to mimic the Zack’s without noticing, the rest of him didn’t care right now. He was too focused on the sensations of the Zack around him, near him, under him. 

 

The Zack reached for another tentacle, and Sephiroth allowed the grip: watching eagerly to see where it would go. The tip of it met the Zack’s lips, the lave of a tongue on the very tip. Sephiroth shuddered, all of his tentacles constricting around the Zack once. Sephiroth didn’t understand human mating rituals at all, but the more he discovered the more aroused he was. 

 

Sephiroth pushed further into Zack’s excrement orifice. In his explorations he found a bump - it was approximately in the direction of Zack’s reproductive organs. Was this the prostate? What would happen if… Sephiroth pressed it.

 

The Zack made a noise - high and gasping - and writhed. Limbs clamped onto Sephiroth, dragging him closer - claws, feet, legs, arms. 

 

“Is this your prostate, The Zack?” Sephiroth applied more pressure, enjoying the way the Zack’s face flickered in reaction. “Your happy spot?” 

 

“Fuck. Yes.” The Zack panted the words out before promptly taking the nearest tentacle in his mouth. 

 

Sephiroth shuddered at the feel of human teeth, the tongue - ever full of motion and the most flexible piece of human flesh - and moist heat. 

 

It was too much. 

 

Sephiroth responded by rubbing against the Zack’s prostate. The action earned him a pleased sound from a drooling mouth otherwise occupied by a tentacle. 

 

All of Sephiroth’s other tentacles - save the one in the Zack’s mouth and the one engaging its innards - were dripping with moisture, holding the Zack down. Sephiroth spawned another tentacle, claiming the Zack’s reproductive organ - pressing down, rubbing, twining around it. 

 

The Zack was making noises and its hands found Sephiroth’s - where they gripped strongly, warmly, desperately. 

 

‘ _ Don’t let go. Ride me all the way home. _ ’ The Zack’s thoughts flashed into Sephiroth’s mind without call, and Sephiroth felt a growl in his chest as he obeyed. 

 

The Zack suddenly clenched around his lower tentacle, and the one in its mouth slid out. “Sephi-ROTH!”

 

Fluid spurted from the reproductive organ like a geyser. It splattered across their joined limbs like paint, vicious and dripping. Sephiroth could feel in the Zack’s mind that this meant sexual completion - he could feel the echoes of pleasure in his own mind and he released his control. His body mimicked it, the sensation of human release, the action of erupting liquid.  

 

The Zack made a noise in response - a moan, the Zack’s mind told him. 

 

And then they were still. 

 

Sephiroth stared down at the human - his human - with visibly reddened cheeks, lips that had become swollen from activity, hair sticking to sweat-oozing skin, and closed eyes. Its muscles were relaxing, releasing Sephiroth, letting him free to go about the probe. Sephiroth retracted his tentacles, carefully lowering the Zack’s limbs as he went. But he couldn’t bring himself to pull his hands away - the Zack’s fingers were still on top of his, loose and open. 

 

Sephiroth liked the way they looked there. It reminded Sephiroth of the water deep beneath the earth’s crust: the water that sunk deep in the soil wrapped in caverns of brown beauty. Sephiroth didn’t want to move, didn’t want to go anywhere, simply wanted to stay here looking down at the Zack. 

 

But, the Zack was a human. A human with a life on Earth, with tasks to accomplish during hours of sunlight, communities to interact with, and a native environment it would feel comfortable in. The Zack wasn’t a pet - or a mate - that Sephiroth could just keep. It was a probe subject. 

 

The thought settled Sephiroth’s core and he found the strength to pull away. 

 

“Now,” Sephiroth said. “I’d like to begin the procedure.” 

 

A snorting noise came from the table. Sephiroth looked back down at the Zack, but the Zack didn’t look back up at him. Sephiroth looked at the monitors - slowing heart rate, lengthening brain waves: all signs of sleep. It was true that the Zack  _ had _ been tired when Sephiroth selected it, but Sephiroth hadn’t thought it would just fall asleep. After what they… Sephiroth smoothed his hair and got his shape together. 

 

“I would really prefer if you were awake for this part.” Sephiroth frowned. It wasn’t that he would prefer it, but proper probing procedure required the participant to be conscious. But human physiology required copious amounts of sleep to function and repair. Sephiroth didn’t dare wake his human.

 

Honestly, this entire situation was far and away from anything that could be proper procedure. Certainly he could make do with a variation of it. There had to be some things he could gather that hadn’t been contaminated by Jenovian cells - at least he could get something down before his superior officers found him. Saliva? Reproductive liquids? Excrement? Sweat? 

 

Oh no. Sephiroth had touched every last bit of this human. There was nothing left that wasn’t polluted. Probe failed. 

 

“Just let him sleep, Sephiroth.”

 

Sephiroth felt his webbing retract around him to make a barrier before he whirled. Genesis and Angeal were at the door, behind the protection glass. Sephiroth hadn’t heard them come in - he had never been on this other side of the glass but it really  _ did _ silence everything. His superiors looked relaxed in their human forms, with perfect human smiles on their perfect human faces. 

 

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Sephiroth promised. He was a good observation officer who didn’t interact with the subjects sexually. Never. 

 

“I knew I should have been here,” Angeal shook his head. “The first probe is always the most overwhelming. Sephiroth needed guidance.”

 

“Oh shut up, you,” Genesis smacked Angeal with his perfectly formed human hand. It seemed like Genesis’s speech was getting more and more human these days; he sounded more like the Zack than he did an Observation Officer. “As I was saying, you should let him sleep because you obviously finished the probe.”

 

Sephiroth was ever so thankful that Genesis couldn’t smell him from there. Or else Genesis would  _ know. _ And Sephiroth would never be allowed to probe another human again! “Right. Yes. Of course. I have finished the probe. I, uh...” 

 

Genesis shrugged. “Judging by the fact that you didn’t have to tie this one down, he must have been particularly docile. Why don’t you add him to the long term subject list?” 

 

“That’s… a good idea.” Sephiroth tried to focus on maintaining his shape, not making himself look defensive or guilty. And trying not to get lost in the idea of another  _ chance  _ with his human. 

 

“It is awfully hard to find someone who appreciates a good alien presence, though. So you’re lucky.”

 

Angeal tilted his head in one of those human gestures he was so good at. It was similar to the one the Zack had used earlier. Sephiroth again wondered what it meant. “Be sure to clean him up before you send him back. An excess of our fluids might contaminate the Earth’s ecosystem.”

 

For a brief moment Sephiroth was certain that Angeal knew what had happened between him and the Zack. His webbing was hardening, visibly calcifying like an admission of his loss of control.

 

“We’ll give you a proper debrief later,” Genesis smiled. “And you can tell us how much fun you had with your little human.” 

 

Embarrassed, and doing his best not to appear guilty in any way shape or form, Sephiroth set about cleaning the Zack. Sephiroth felt shame as hot as the Zack’s insides: he knew his every motion could reveal the truth about what happened here.

 

Sephiroth re-attached the human armor - it surprisingly soft, he noted - carefully so as not to wake the human. Sephiroth wanted to touch more, explore the fibers and how it felt on the Zack’s body. But Angeal and Genesis were still watching; he kept his movements quick and efficient. 

 

Then he prepared to send his human down. While calibrating the tractor beam, Sephiroth made sure that the Zack would be transported under a blanket in the building he had been outside of (ambient night time temperatures were often conducive to human illness). There was only one human bed in the building so Sephiroth simply made sure the Zack would go there.

 

Once the Zack was properly offloaded and tucked into his human chamber, Sephiroth turned to meet his doom. Genesis was staring at him with deep humor, clearly close enough to smell the evidence of what had actually happened during the probe. 

 

“All right, Sephiroth, time for your debrief. And don’t skimp on the problems you encountered.” And Genesis stalked off towards the communication center. There was something in his hand and he waved it back and forth at Sephiroth. “Oh. Don’t forget to send a communication to your human so he can prepare for you next time.” 

 

[...]

 

Zack woke up hungover, sore and with his mouth tasting like fish. He couldn't figure out if he'd had the hottest sex ever or the best dreams that made his porn collection look like trash. 

 

Zack looked around the room, trying to figure out what had happened. His ass was pleasantly sore:  like he’d been fucked. But he couldn’t find any toys laying around. Maybe they’d rolled under the bed - he did tend to toss them somewhere when he was done. But then again, he was fully clothed: no junk out, boxers pulled up, and jeans all buttoned, hell there wasn’t even a cum stain in his undies. Weird.

 

What  _ had  _ happened? Zack looked around for his phone, trying not to think too hard about his dream. His really hot dream about blue dudes who could make tentacles and had really sexy voices and were shape shifters and - wait, what the fuck had actually happened last night? Was that actually a dream or did he and Cloud do something? But didn’t Cloud leave at like old people o’clock? So did Zack cheat on Cloud? Fuck. 

 

“Ugh. Where did I put that thing?” His phone would know. Siri always knew everything - including worryingly personal details about his sex life. 

 

There was a weird light at the foot of Zack’s bed - it kind of looked like sparkles, but like thick and matrix-y green. It was mesmerizing, in a sort of way that definitely would have been equally stop and stare dumb to not hungover Zack. 

 

Then, his phone was floating down. Actually floating, spinning like it was a fucking godsend. Zack must have still been dreaming. 

 

Zack reached out and grabbed it with both hands. For a moment, his hands felt weightless, like the light didn’t understand how gravity worked. And then suddenly the sparkles were gone. Everything was normal again. 

 

“The fuck was that?” Zack blinked up at the ceiling - still perfectly popcorned - and then down at his phone. On the back of the phone was the weirdest paper he had ever seen, it had writing on it. Shocking: a note in this day and age. 

 

_ “To Human: The Zack Fair, _

_ The next time the observation ship is in your area will be Earth Calendar August 20, three months time. I would greatly appreciate if you participated in the study as willingly as you did last night. I look forward to meeting you again.  _

_ P.69t-0 Sephiroth” _

 

Last night… 

 

Wait! That alien sex dream hadn’t been a dream at all?! Zack looked at the note and then at his ceiling and then stumbled outside to stare at the sky. 

 

No fucking way. He'd just had the best sex of his life, probably any human's lives, and he had been too drunk to remember most of it. Zack squinted, but all he could see were clouds and blueness. He tried the telescope - much the same. 

 

Blue skin. Tentacles. Hair like rivers of mercury. Sephiroth!

 

“I'm glad you like my telescope. But isn’t it way too early for you to be awake?”

 

“Cloud!” Zack whirled to find his boyfriend standing in his insanely attractive button down dress suit. “What are you doing here? Don't you have work?” 

 

“I forgot my badge here,” Cloud waved it, “had to pick it up. Now why are you outside so early? Don’t you know you need to change the lense when you look at the sky during the day? You could hurt your eyes.”

 

“Cloud,” Zack hopped over to him and shook those petite shoulders of his. “You'll never guess what happened last night!”

 

“You drank too much? You beat that game you just bought? You had a pervy dream?”

 

“No! I mean, Some of those, I guess. But that's not what happened. No I…” Zack leaned closer. “I was abducted by an alien last night and I had tentacle sex with a blue dude.”

 

Cloud raised a brow and then sighed. Affectionately, mostly. “I'm never letting you know any of my kinks again. You'll just have weird dreams about them.”

 

“What? Don't you believe me?” 

 

“I believe you have an overactive imagination and I'll be late for work.” 

 

“The alien! He wrote me a note!!” Zack presented it. It was weird handwriting, on weird paper! Cloud  _ had _ to believe that. 

 

Cloud looked at it and then raised his gaze back to Zack. “Zack… why did you write on a paper towel?”

 

“What!” Zack looked at it. And then he looked at it some more because holy shit. That was  _ his _ handwriting on  _ his _ cheap paper towels. “The fuck?” 

 

Cloud laughed one of those rare, lose-control laughs of his. “Why don’t you go back to sleep Zack. Call me later.”

 

Zack pouted. “Maybe I’ll sleep call you out of spite.” 

 

Cloud laughed, and kissed Zack. Then he made a face. “God, your breath is awful. Did you eat sushi or something?” 

 

“I sucked a tentacle dick!” 

 

“Pff. Shut up.” Cloud clipped his dumb badge to his breast pocket like a dork. “It’s way too early to be having this conversation and you look way too hungover.”

 

“Fine, don’t believe me.” Zack huffed. Then he remembered the note: there was no way he could have written it when he was drunk. No way. “We’ll see what happens come August!” 

 

Cloud just laughed again and started walking back into the house. “Have fun on your day off, Zack. Maybe you’ll get to suck an actual dick tonight.” 

 

“Ugh! You can’t tease me and leave! Cloudy, babe!” 

 

Zack had no idea that an alien was watching this exchange intently, recording it, analyzing it, and thinking of questions he never had until this moment. Instead Zack whined at Cloud until Cloud was off to work, and then he stared the sky, and ultimately gave up and went back to bed clutching a paper-towel with his own handwriting on it. Needless to say he had more pervy dreams. 

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by: [tyrannosaurus_rose](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tyrannosaurus_rose/pseuds/tyrannosaurus_rose)


End file.
